Why Men Die First

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why to men die first? Because they want to.

A Hiking We Will Go…..

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. “That
was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”

“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south.”

Prayer Positions

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

It was me!

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Two Blondes

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Be careful what you wish for

Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a jeanie came out. The jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.

He said to the jeanie,"I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.

What's the moral of the story?
-Be careful what you wish for.

The First Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

Good Golfer

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming, 3-wood still in hand, and asked "Are you a good golfer?"

To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Widow for One Year

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''